After the unhinging 2 weeks wait, today is finally the day for the pregnancy blood test. Woke up really early and went down to the clinic in full anticipation. The blood test cost me $40.99.

$40.99 for a pregnancy test!! Daylight robbery, I say. Peeing into a pregnancy test stick would have just cost around $5! I wonder how much pregnancy tests cost in other countries...

So they took a vial of my blood and promised to call me with the results within 3 hours.

I spent the next few hours tapping my feet impatiently and working at the same time. The call finally came.

"I'm sorry to tell you the results are negative. You are not pregnant at all."

Deadpan, she proceeded to tell me about the next doctor's appointment in a month's time.

After the phone call, I impassively finished up the paperwork I was doing before the call came, sent the emails I was supposed to send, and retreated inconspicuously to my room and bawled under the pillow. (I work in a SOHO, I can do that; I don't have to hide in the toilet.)

I took 45 minutes to calm myself down as the movie reel of the past few months played itself out in my head. Oh the lucrin injections; the painful transvaginal ultrasounds; the hormonal sandstorm; the excruciating OHSS; the hospital stay; the harrowing transfer, the medicine medicine medicine; the crazy insane anticipation. And after all that; Nothing.

I didn't buzz anyone right away. I don't need "It's ok, try again". It's not ok. I need a little more empathy, which no one is capable of giving me, because I am alone in this. No one understands the trauma of going through IVF. It's constantly in my head; a parasite that eats my brain. My bio-clock mocks me cruelly.

What went wrong?

I was unappeased. I whipped out the pregnancy test kit I bought a while ago and peed into it just to see what it says.

Negative.

I all but hurled it into the bin.

Lunch time. I made my first cup of coffee in more than a week.

Tonight, I shall have beer. Tomorrow, I shall go shopping.

For now, back to work. (Damn, I gotta stop tearing)

Goodbye, Alice and Bach.