So I was spared a full 2 weeks wait for the $800 test. I only found out it's called the Panorama Prenatal Screen when they emailed the report over.

The genetic consultant called hubby last Thursday (17/12) to deliver the news. The probability for Down Syndrome is now <1/10000 according to this test with 99% accuracy.

Oh gosh, we were so relieved! I wanted to jump and celebrate, except I can't really jump. The test also picked up the chromosome readings easily so we also now know the gender of my baby. But shhh, I'm not telling yet. Watching people guess based on their 'experiences' is so much fun.

We're probably the only ones I know that know the gender of the baby at less than 14 weeks. Hubby was disappointed at the gender though, and moped about it for a couple of days until I ordered him to snap out of it.

So now that we've cleared this milestone, I hope the little one is still fine in me. A hint of a baby bump has started to appear. I swear it's real this time! Although my belly still looks smaller than when I got OHSS. I always thought I looked 3 months pregnant during my OHSS ordeal, but it seems I had looked further along than I thought.

I will be 15 weeks along this Christmas. It's time to start announcing the good news. Here's a pic of baby in my belly at 13 weeks, 2 days; 7cm. Compare that to the 'abstract art' in my 2nd Antenatal dating scan. At least when I show this picture, no one is asking me "How does this work?" anymore.

So here we are, in the middle of yet another '2 week wait'. This time, my Schrodinger's Cat is in a lab somewhere in the hospital.

It. Just. Never. Ends.

Last Monday (7/12), we went for the Fetal Abnormality Screening. I had been nervous about the scan for a while but largely distracted by the morning sickness to fall over myself in worry.

The ultrasound scan was surreal. For the very first time, we saw the baby move. It moved! It was waving its arms in what looked like a salute, and it was turning around and flipping. And I swear I could see the silhouette of hubby's nose on the baby. I wonder if this means it's a boy!

We walked out of the scan room in a sense of wonder while waiting for the results. It measures about 5.6cm, but it was moving so excitedly!

But then the doctor presented the chilling results to us. There was a high risk that the baby may get Down Syndrome; more specifically, a 1 in 112 chance. This was 90% accurate

The next day, we opted for the other blood test that will be 99% accurate, and cost about $800. But the results can only be out in 2 weeks. 2 weeks of hell.

Yesterday, we went for the gynae checkup. The first official one after I 'graduated' from the fertility clinic. This time it was really hard to have to grimly watch the baby happily wriggling in the womb, dreaming of life; when its fate is so uncertain now. It has grown ever so slightly more, and is now measuring at 7cm.

I went through most of last week coping by being really busy and involved with work. It's not working this week at all. After a year of emotional trauma, after 3 episodes of OHSS madness, after suffering physical pain for 3 consecutive months; there is that possibility that I may have to interrupt this pregnancy. And after I have passed the torturous 1st trimester too!

We went for the 2nd dating scan on 16 Nov Monday, and I was so pleased that I have been promoted from the transvaginal probe to the 'over-the-belly' kind (what is this called?).

I was a little stunned as she placed the probe on my lower belly and immediately, the sac and the 'blob' inside it appeared on the screen. It has grown so much! From a little pulsating light in the dark of the ocean, I can now see a tiny humonoid shape (can you see the head shape in that picture!!); the pulsating heartbeat right in the middle of the chest.

A sense of relief washed over me. Yes, I had been paranoid. The internet overflowing with stories of failed pregnancies in every corner is really not a good place to live in.

And that was the good news. My little diamond is growing well at 26mm!

The bad news was... that the 2nd sac remained empty and silent; an abyss. I was really disappointed. Although I had been more paranoid for my 1st sac than hopeful for my 2nd, the disappointment I felt then in the room was huge. I had for weeks entertained the eager thought that I could settle 2 pregnancies in 1 go and leave my uterus alone once and for all. But now I may have to go through the ordeal all over again for a 2nd child. Having just recovered from OHSS, the thought is horrifying.

But that's another scenario for another day. Right now, I am just focussing on being grateful that sac no. 1 looks healthy. Hubby was grinning from ear to ear for the next 1/2 hour after the scan, although he probably didn't realise it.

3 weeks ago, the machine claimed I was 5.7 weeks pregnant. Exactly 3 weeks later, I am suddenly 9.4 weeks pregnant. Where did the 5 days go to? Dr Jerry Chan later ascertained the latter date is correct, and my full term will be on 17 June 2016 (That's my daddy's birthday! He's going to be so thrilled!)

Next appointment: Fetal Abnormality Scan on 7 Dec for risk of Down Syndrome. This is another huge milestone to cross.

Grow healthy and well, my dearest little diamond.

Meanwhile, I have clean forgotten what it is like to not feel sick all the time; have a normal appetite; have a brain that doesn't feel like mud half the time; nor to sleep soundly through an entire night...

I am so sick of wanting to throw up all the time. Why do they call this "Morning Sickness" when it happens throughout the day; randomly; and sometimes more acute in the evening? Ondansetron, the promised 'wonder pill' for morning sickness useless on its own. I need to take it with Prochlorperazine for any relief at all.

And there is this pain in my abdomen that feels like someone punched me in the guts and I badly want to throw up. I've been prescribed several gastric-related medication and all of them are useless.

Well, at least the OHSS seem to have waned about 2 weeks ago, lasting a grand total of around a month, more than 2 weeks longer than the promised 12 days by the doctor.

Let me just say that OHSS X Morning Sickness is not funny at all. The breathlessness, the pain, the exhaustion, the bloated tummy, the nausea that you no longer know whether is induced by OHSS or the pregnancy...

And my tummy is thankfully all deflated now after the OHSS liquid got pee-ed out. In fact, thanks (or no thanks!) to the loss of appetite and constant nausea, I lost 1-2kg since before the OHSS a month ago. During the height of my OHSS when I looked several months pregnant, I truthfully didn't think I'd see my flat tummy again until at least next year.

I am officially 8.5 weeks pregnant today and wondering how long before the baby bump appears. I hope the weight loss is not affecting the pregnancy in any way!

Apart from the nausea and loss of appetite, I seem to have gained a new superpower in the form of a heightened sense of smell (hyperosmia). I seem to be able to smell 'details' in various odours I have not experienced before. For example, I can suddenly only smell the chemicals in my favorite shower gel and hand soap which I used to find fragrant. The chemical smell in the soap assaults me relentlessly after every shower and hand wash, making my nausea worse.

I now know how my cat feels as she wrinkles her little nose and bolt every time I spray a scent in her direction.

And assorted food smells so pungent! My body have suddenly rejected my favorite Tonkotsu ramen, gagging me with the aroma that I once salivated to. Another one of my favorite foods: Sambal Stingray, now smells like rotten trash.

And my on-again off-again craving for McNuggets dipped in curry sauce? I now know how much chemicals the Curry Sauce contain. I mean, I could taste almost every non-peanut ingredient chemical in that unassuming brown sauce as I crunched into my McNuggets last week. I'm swearing off that sauce until I can't taste it again. Wait a minute, that means my super power extends to my heightened sense of taste as well...

Anyway, Monday is my next scan. Monday is the day I will know for sure if my second sac has lighted up, and whether my first sac is still doing well. I am so nervous!!

I almost choked with emotion when Dr Jerry Chan announced "We can see the sac".

Sac! "What's a sac?" I needed to confirm. He briefly explained to little bimbo me exactly what I thought it is.

That was last Friday. Dr Chan had got us to go down after I complained about the intense cramps that had suddenly appeared. So he wanted to do a quick check to ensure there was no miscarriage, and that was when we got our first look at the little gestational sac via the ultrasound.

At least 1 diamond made it...


And Monday 26/10 was THE dating and viability scan. I was glad I had gotten a quick preview on Friday so my nerves weren't too frayed.

This was the more precise scan done vaginally. The probe searched, and it was like searching for deep sky objects through the telescope at the night skies back in the '90s; manually, without the motorised pointer.

And when the gestational sac peeked into view, it was as satisfying as locating the nebula. There was 1, and there was another. There were 2 sacs! Twins! The lady doctor probed a little more and focused on the bigger sac. There was a pulse of light in the little sac. It was like a blinking light from the lighthouse in the dark of the ocean..

I am 100% pregnant with the gestational sac growing in the right place. I was so relieved. The 2nd sac was silent though. No lighthouse from that ocean.

Although a little disappointed, I was grateful that at least 1 made it. I finally cleared this stage!

Dr Chan seemed so pleased that it was a singleton pregnancy. He had strongly advised trying for twins right from the start. "You don't know what we have seen" was his dark warning a lifetime ago.

Hubby says this may be a blessing. There must be a reason why the doctors are so wary of multiple pregnancies. Deep down, I am still hoping that the light will appear in the 2nd sac during the next scan...



Meanwhile, the OHSS just simply refuses to leave me. I still look 3 months more pregnant than I really am. At times, it seems to be growing; other times, it seems to be subsiding. What is going on! And the pain in my torso oooohhhh.

The doctors are at their wits' end at my condition too. Since I seem to still be able to function, they're not overly concerned.

I suddenly developed an insane craving for grapes sometime last week; specifically purple and red grapes. And now it is suddenly my favorite fruit.

These little bundles of sweet gems are a surprising relief to nausea! You don't have to eat an entire bowl of it. When I get a spell of nausea that the Ondansetron cannot deal with, I pop in a couple of grapes, and chew them slowly; one at a time. Immediate relief.

So far it has worked 90% of the time.

The little problem with grapes is that I'm terrified of eating too much of them at one sitting at the moment. They're classified as 'heaty' fruits, and are sort of contributing to my stubborn cough. I can't wait for my cough to be gone so I can down these lovely grapes bunch by bunch.

Today is Day 27 since my diamonds got fertilised. So the hospital calling with a "Congrats! You're pregnant!" after the blood test isn't the end of it. Dr Jerry Chan reminded us in an email on the day of the pregnancy test that we still needed to wait for the scan 2 weeks later to "confirm the viability of the pregnancy".

After which I got all nervous again. There is a 2 weeks wait AFTER the 2 weeks wait!! OMG nobody told me about this!!

What can I do to ensure my little diamonds survive well till then? And there's that stupid home pregnancy test I did before the blood test that tugs at my sleeve whenever I ran out of things to worry about. Stupidest thing I did this cycle.

The scan is on 26 Oct Mon, 4 more days. I just recently found out that they calculate your pregnancy from the first day of your Last Menstrual Period (LMP). I am such a noob in all these. This means I am 6 weeks 3 days pregnant according to my doctor. 6 weeks seem like such a long time already! At least I hope I am still pregnant...

My doctor, who by the way, discouraged us to break the news to our parents when we told him we haven't done so yet last week. Everything rests on the scan on 26 Oct to determine that there is no "chemical pregnancy". So far.

So.. hold our horses.

Meanwhile, my OHSS is really getting annoying. It's like an ex-boyfriend that won't let go, traumatising every aspect of my life for my undivided attention.

The bloated-ness in my tummy makes me look 3 months' pregnant. It's hard to meet people I know and attempt to explain that no my tummy is not what you think it is. You see, we are keeping my IVF ordeal completely classified from the people we know until we are sure of success. I can't handle the "So how is it?"s in case everything falls apart. I'd have to focus all energy on remaining sane.

And when the pain comes... it is pure torture. New cramps at my lower abdomen started on Tuesday. The nausea is getting hard to reign in. I get severe intense pain in my abdomen in the middle of the night EVERY NIGHT. Today is Day 16 since the start of this Late Onset OHSS. How long more!!!

I have been on Hospitalisation Leave since 25 Sep. I am so fortunate I am self-employed and able to have a flexible schedule. How do employed women deal with being away from work for a month!

I got awakened to a thrashing twisting pain in my mid torso again early this morning before falling back into an exhausted sleep. This is happening on an almost daily basis, with the crippling pain lasting 10 minutes before tossing me back to sleep.

When I finally did wake up proper, I was blanketed with anxiety. My scheduled pregnancy blood test is this coming Wed 14 Oct, and there was no way I could get past these 3 days without knowing exactly what is going on in my body.

I decided to do a real damned stupid thing. I ripped out the Home Pregnancy Test Kit and braced myself for whatever results which could be false. I told myself that I wanted to know if the test kit results are accurate so this is for matching Wednesday's blood test results.

But I'm a real wussy. Before the results came out on the stick, I chickened out and slammed it face down. I was suddenly not so confident if I can take an emotional ride on a false negative or false positive.

So now there's a Schrodinger's Cat in the washroom.


Almost immediately after, Hubby excitedly told me that Dr Jerry Chan had replied to his email on my condition, asking us to go down to do the blood test today instead of Wednesday. YES!! I TOTALLY NEED THIS!!

So we flew down to the hospital. I gave them hubby's phone number to phone us the results this time. (It takes 2-3 hours to analyse the blood)

We went for lunch and ran some errands separately at a mall near the hospital afterwards, nervously passing the longest 2 hours ever. When I got into the car as we were about to leave, he turned to me and grinned "So I guess we need to start thinking about baby names."

The hospital had called with positive results! It felt so surreal! After the long long journey, we finally reached a milestone! I was euphoric, we were elated! It felt like we finally cleared a stage in an extremely difficult RPG game.

So we were summoned back to the hospital for further medication, and scans to pinpoint the problem of my pain. Lots of water, it's OHSS, as I expected. I know the pain well by now even if the doctors try to explain it away with other improbable diagnoses (gastric, acid reflux, hormonal bloating etc).

I guess they just expected it to be much more violent for a Late Onset OHSS. Oh I hope not!!

So now I'm to 'observe' the symptoms at home, and when it gets intolerable, get myself admitted. Somehow, knowing that you're pregnant makes the pain much more tolerable. At least I'm not in pain for nothing!


Back home, time to check out Schrodinger's Cat. And I now have the answer on whether you should use the Home Pregnancy Test Kit during your 2 weeks wait...

The test kit turned up negative.

I was shocked. Thank goodness I chickened out reading it earlier in the day!

Dumb thoughts started to whizz past; what if the home pregnancy test kit is right and the blood test is wrong? Oh geez I totally regret using this cheap contraception in the morning. All it did was to cloud me. Of cause the blood test is the accurate one!

So if you're really itching to use the home pregnancy test kit during your 2 weeks wait. You have been warned. Beware of false results that may potentially drive you nuts.

(This junk of a test kit is the Guardian house brand. Do Not Buy.)

OHSS is strange. I fluctuate between either losing all appetite for food developing one of a hippo's.

Anyway, this looks like utter junk food I know, but it's actually quite interesting. Fried chicken cutlet squirted with cheese and instant noodles (or 公仔面 if you will) doused in soy sauce with 1 lonely stalk of veggie; good for those days when you're craving something really salty. And trust me, some days, it gets so salty I'd need to drain the soy sauce before the noodles is anywhere near edible.

Toast Box don't sell this at all their outlets. In fact, I don't know if they sell this anywhere else besides at Compass Point. I guess I only have a few days left to eat this; if OHSS permit, as Compass Point Mall is slated for a year long renovation closure within the month. 90% of the stores in the mall have evacuated already.

Hopefully I'll stumble upon this on a another Toast Box outlet soon. If you know any Toast Box outlet that has this on their menu, tell me maybe?

(6 more days to the blood test I'm going nuts!)

This persistent OHSS thing JUST won't leave me alone.

The day after my Fresh Embryo Transfer, the symptoms started to go away. And as long as I popped in the anti-barfing meds, I was generally functional. By last Friday, the only med I was taking was Cabergoline. I was even well enough to take public transport to the mall for a movie and some shopping over the weekend. Hows that!

Then yesterday the pain suddenly returned. I had to pitifully turn back to the anti-barfing pill. Today was worse. The bloating seemed to have more or less gone though. Cramps in the lower abdomen and pain in the middle of my torso accompanied with nausea. Same old story except it's relatively tolerable compared to the OHSS right after ovum pick up. And walking is hard! Every impact sends a jolt up my torso...

Dr Chan had warned of late onset OHSS if I get pregnant.

Am I supposed to feel really positive that the pain may mean I'm pregnant or really scared at an incoming explosive OHSS episode?

Exactly 1 week to the Pregnancy Blood Test and it's all I can do to restrain myself from opening the Home Pregnancy Test kit.

August 3 was my first womb scratch test. I was kinda nervous, and soon learned that the best method to get rid of anxiety is apparently an infuriatingly long wait at the patient's waiting area, where your number gets called 1 hour AFTER your allotted appointment time.

Dr Jerry Chan was pleasant and professional as usual, and explained that it was a simple scratching of the womb. Nothing to worry about.

The procedure itself was much more painful that anticipated though. And because, as established before, my womb's position falls backwards; he had a hard time reaching it via the instruments. To deal with the pain and intense cramps that accompanied the procedure, I had to sing little happy songs in my head while I dug my nails into my palm and fixated my full attention on the hairline crack running down the sterile white wall right beside the bed.

He finally got the prized samples, which looked like a few pieces of bloodied flesh in a tube of clear liquid. I forgot to snap a picture in the midst of my pain. The cramps didn't last long though, and subsided after 15 minutes. His parting advise was to down a couple of Paracetamol an hour before the next cycle...


... Which I totally forgot about come September 3, the 2nd womb scratch test.

The wait was even longer this time, and because Dr. Chan was away, his colleague Dr. Shilla Maria took over, which proved to be an absolute disaster.

My nerves were frayed by the time I finally got called in about 1.5 hours after my appointment time. Dr Shilla looked like she didn't want to be there; like she was totally pissed that extra unscheduled work was thrown at her to cover for a colleague or something like that.

I was ushered to the bed where she proceeded to curtly jab my vag with the probe. I winced of cause; it hurt! And I proceeded to get an earful from her. "No moving!" "No clenching of the bum!" "I'm not going to continue if you don't cooperate!" No little happy songs found their way into my head this time. One of the jabs hurt so much I started to tear and the damned bitch doctor actually put down her instruments and announced "I'm not going to continue if you cry."

The 2 nurses were all over the place at that. They tried to calm me down. Calm HER down. She berated me a little more before I protested through sobs that I can't help how my body is reacting, I was trying my best, and I just wanted to get this over and done with. Somehow she got all indignant at that.

After she finally finished with me, she stomped out of the area while I changed, and started to complain to hubby about me crying, and that she "didn't appreciate being shouted at". HUH?? I DID NOTHING OF THE SORT! What in heaven's name is wrong with this woman! She whined about how she had been doing this for years and "have witnesses that I did everything professionally". Hubby humbly suggested that maybe I was crying because it hurt and not because it was personal against her? He said later that this statement somehow stunned her a little.

Yes bitch, not everything is about you.

So she had calmed down when I came out of the procedure area and I asked her politely what to do after my next cycle of period comes. Her answer was gold: "I don't know. I'm not your doctor." Professional my ass.

The 2 nurses immediately jumped in to the rescue, explaining what to do and what to expect. The nurses at KKH are really awesome.

There. I never thought I'd write about the bitch doctor who was most probably having a bad day that day (PMS? Ditched by boyfriend? Someone ate her sandwich?), but I have time to blog with my 20 days hospitalisation leave now.

So... let's all hope that is the absolutely last I'll ever see of Dr. Shilla Maria.

Chabuton has gotta be one of my favorite ramen places in town. At the moment that is; before my fickle tummy flutters to another gastronomical wonderland.

I love ramen! But the thing about ramen is.. they're really fattening. All that broth simmered in pork bones for hours means all the fatty parts are in the delicious golden broth. And that thin slice of Char Siew is usually not thin at all! So I try to moderate my intake.

But right after my very 1st fresh embryo transfer yesterday (3rd transfer in all counting the previous 2 thaw cycles), I had an insane craving for that salty golden broth.

I usually order the Tonkotsu ramen, junior version at Chabuton. It's served in a really small bowl that looks somewhat like a jumbo mug instead. The portion is half of the already small bowl. Yes, it's all very underwhelming, and usually just barely enough to satisfy my cravings. The tiny portion also allows me re-assure myself that I'm not getting carried away with the calories.

It was heavenly eating this right after my embryo transfer as I hadn't eaten in 18 hours (I had to fast before the procedure). Sadly, right afterwards, the OHSS cramps kicked in. The pain had given me a break since I last took the anti-barfing pill, but it seemed unhappy that I was enjoying myself with food too much.

Oh man.. I feel like eating this right now again. The next time I go, I'll try to take more pictures of the grub.

It's only been 5 days since the ovum pick up, but it felt like months had transpired. Time really slows down when you're totally not enjoying yourself. My tummy is so bloated I looked a few months pregnant. But after the last round in March, I'm done with all the low self-esteem stuff.

I've been in and out of KK hospital since last year for various reasons, and today is the very first day I get an afternoon appointment slot. You can tell I'm not a morning person when something this trivial makes me somewhat happy.

So fast forward into the procedure room. We get the nice small un-daunting room this time. While I had to be wheeled into the department on Monday, I could at least amble slowly in myself today. The bouts of nausea was excruciating. The pain had subsided a little but it still friggin' hurts. And I still can't stand / walk upright for more than 5 minutes without going out of breath.

Not having to wait is the way to go. I guess I was the last patient of the day. The doctor actually arrived before me (for once! And I wasn't late ok!) Dr Chan did a quick scan and determined mine to be a relatively mild case of OHSS. He told a horror story of a pregnant woman in the ward above who is so bloated she's just waiting in agony to get literally drained.

I had 7 embryos alive on Monday that went through blastocyst. The rest of the 22 ovaries hadn't made it till Monday. 2 are ready for transfer today. 1 looked promising, 1 needed further observation, while the last one died.

And he laid out my cards.

1. Do the fresh transfer today. There is no medication for OHSS. My relatively mild case is bound to go away on its own (soon we all hope). The implication was that if I do get pregnant from the transfer today, it WILL come back with a vengeance, a la the poor girl in the torture chambers above.

2. Freeze the embryos. Let the OHSS go away before doing the thaw cycle after my next round of period. Which was what we did the last time. There is a 10% chance of the embryos dying upon thawing and also the stress if defrosting may harm them.

The 2 men; my hubby and Dr Chan both looked perplexed and said I had to make the decision myself. But I already know what they think was obvious.

'CAUSE THE MEN DON'T HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS PAIN DAMMIT.

I was jammed between a rock and a hard place. But I was done with emotional pain after the previous 2 failed thaw cycle rounds. I'll try my hand with lady luck on the physical pain card.

So I took a deep breath and said "Ok, I'll do it today." Without missing a beat, the doctor said "I knew you'd say that." and turned around promptly to proceed with the paperwork.

I petulantly announced I want to be a man in my next life. Everybody in the room was amused.

The blastocyst embryos looked so different from the regular ones. Dr Chan described the fully expanded one as looking like a shining solitaire diamond.

My 2 little diamonds... Play your duet and grow...

Oh man, I hope it works this time! Hubby absolutely forbids me to name the embryos this time. "Stop it!" he says, when I suggested these 2 were 'Earl' and 'Forest'.

My little diamonds...

I never thought I'd add another post under 'The OHSS Ordeal' label ever again. How life mocks me.

The Cabergoline prescribed to prevent this dumb OHSS thing is useless, I tell you. Useless.

Just like in March, a mere 6 months ago, I was hit with severe pain in my abdomen on Sat 26 Sep, the day after the ovum pick up. It just gets worse and worse as I rolled uncontrollably down the hill of agony.

I pee-ed from the burning fire in my lower abdomen, while my bowels gave up defecating those few days. Too damned painful to even try. I knew the pain. I knew the gastric pain that is not actually gastric pain at all.

OH NO I DO NOT WANT TO BE HOSPITALISED AGAIN IN THAT AWFUL WARD!!

On Sunday, it got worse. I could barely walk. I felt faint after standing for just a while. I got breathless after a few steps. And the nausea! God help me. Why have you forsaken me again! My tummy was totally distended by now, with large loud belches coming out regularly from the bloat. I couldn't sit, I couldn't stand. There was relief only in certain half lying-half sitting positions that I had to painfully find on the bed.

Sleep was a disaster. I had to prop my upper back and my legs up on pillows because stretching them out hurts my tummy. Lying sideways was even worse. I woke multiple times to fluke threats of vomit. When I finally did vomit in the middle of Sunday night (early Monday morning), it was horrendous. It was basically acid and it burned my throat so badly.

Why me why me why me!!!

28 September 2015, Monday

Mid Autumn Festival came and went yesterday and I didn't get to eat a single mooncake this year, although retrospectively, it was the last thing on my mind.

The fresh embryo transfer is supposed to be today. It was hell trying to shower standing up. I threw up again before we left. Liquid this time. I could hardly walk 10 steps before panting like an old woman.

We finally made it to the hospital with me in a wheelchair, where I barfed water a 3rd time. The pain when throwing up was like someone punching your organs repeatedly.

The very kind nurses found me a bed in one of the examination rooms to rest in while waiting for the doctor.

Dr Jerry Chan really wanted me to do a fresh transfer this time. I think, to add my results to his statistics for the scratch test and all. And yes, I REALLY want to do a fresh transfer too! So he gave the exact same advice in March. Do a day 5 blastocyst, and hopefully, I feel better for the transfer then.

We don't have a choice. They gave me anti-nausea medication and injections, and the pearly wisdom of an advise to "hang on tight".

Well, hanging on tight was the only thing I could do anyway. I had to follow my advise in one of my posts, and believe that all this will be over soon.

Today was a little better after drowning myself with the anti-barfing medication. I must have slept more than my cat. I slept 12 hours through the night, and took at least 5 long naps in the day; each at least an hour long. Kitty must be so proud of me.

But it wasn't over. The pain and breathlessness continues. And to top it all off, I'm starting to develop what looks to be a pesky cough.

Well, at least I'm not locked up in a hospital ward for now. And at least I have hubby; who have been absolutely empathetic and took care of me really well these few days...

Saving all these used needles for some installation art when I get in the mood.

It's been a while since I roosted here. One of my last posts in July talks about my brief hiatus until September. When September came around, I saw a stream of readers on my stats board checking into my blog for updates. But.. (tiny whiny voice) no one said anything to me in comments or anything like that... Are you readers all in my head? Is my stats board broken? And wait, don't go! I haven't abandoned this blog yet! I have 20 days Hospitalization Leave now; lots of time to write!

So anyway, September is almost ending, and the month have been eventful. I did 2 womb scratch tests, one in Aug 3 and another in Sep 3. But more about the scratches in another post.

My period started on 7 Sep, and I was hauled into KKIVF on 9 Sep for that painful transvaginal ultrasound scan, before being checked in for the month's short cycle. (They call it Antagonistic Cycle. It's all very foreboding)

The short cycle was a breeze compared to the long cycle. Made me wonder why I had to spend all that Lucrin money in March! I worked the needles like a hardcore junkie, jabbing myself daily with the new drug I originally misread as 'Orang Utan' (!!), but it's actually 'Orgalutran'; and 2 more drugs: Menopur and Saizen.

Within a short 2.5 weeks, I was ready for the ovum pick up! And I only had to do 2 more ultrasound scans in between the injections! I must have done the scans more than 10 times for the long cycle. Short cycle is the way to go~!


25 September 2015, Friday

I went through the scheduled ovum pick up like a boss. I knew exactly what to expect. It has after all only been, what, 6 months? The waiting time was even shorter this time! I waited for a grand total of 30 minutes before getting ushered into that dreadful theatre. Even Dr Jerry Chan didn't take long to arrive for the procedure this time!

Everything was clockwork. The sedation nurse injected the drug into my hand; yes THAT painful jab via the IV plug. And like the last time, the last thing I heard was the nurse telling me to go to sleep before waking up to the beeping of my heart beat on the monitor and the flower motifs on the wall of the resting area.

The report came after drifting in and out of consciousness for an hour: I had 29 eggs harvested this time; 7 less than the last round of 36. I have learnt the hard way that the more is not the merrier. So I kept my fingers crossed for a good performance by my eggs and hubby's sperms this time...

After I cleared my head from the foggy sedation adequately, I made a beeline for Mcdonald's nuggets with curry sauce dipping! Now this was a craving I couldn't fulfil from my previous Egg Retrieval. Because Mcdonalds had a shortage of curry sauce island-wide for months.

I felt ok physically. I felt positive. I felt hopeful. The embryo transfer was scheduled for Monday 28 Sep. I can't wait and at the same time was apprehensive.

And then... the next day, the nightmare happened again... My horror movie entitled 'The Return Of OHSS'...

So on July 8, Dr Chan called me. Actually he called hubby's phone looking for me. We were both stunned. Doctors here do not call patients personally. So when they call, they get our full attention.

Upon reviewing my case, he decided that they'd be scratching the lining of my womb to 'inflame' it twice before my next IVF cycle.

Woah, inflame the womb? That sounds scary. Anyway, I asked a buncha questions and here's the long and short of it:

1. The procedure is a scratch test that is common for other cervical tests so nothing to worry about

2. Immediate side effects may include "tolerable cramps". Not convincing when the doctor who says this is a guy.

3. In an internal study in KKIVF, out of 20 women who repeatedly failed the IVF cycles, 7 managed to get pregnant after they had their lining scratched. (Only 7 out of 20!! My heart sank at this one)

4. KKIVF is doing one of the first research studies in the world on why having the lining scratched improves the chances of pregnancy (You mean they don't know why OMG science is so young!)

5. So if I agree to donate the scratched piece of my lining for their study, they'd cover the costs of the scratch test for me. (Can you cover my parking fees too please, no I didn't ask that)


So point 5 is probably the main reason why the Associate Professor called me personally; to convince me to donate my lining. Of cause I agreed. Unless if they're planning on some shady cloning in the lab with my DNA or something to that effect, I didn't see any harm.

My first scratch test will be on August 3. I hope it doesn't hurt too much...

So I'm on a brief hiatus until the September cycle to re-do the Lucrin injections. This time, I am prescribed with the short cycle.

Why so long away? Because KKIVF department is doing air-conditioning maintenance between July and August.

Seriously, the KKIVF department is just a little corner in the basement of the hospital, why on earth do they need a whole month to change out the aircon!

And I'm just getting more and more impatient as my bio-clock ticks on.

After the first weekend of shopping, I subsequently got caught in the relentless whirlwind of my work for the rest of my 2 weeks wait.

And my pregnancy blood test was last Thursday. Got the results via phone in between an intense dispute with my contractor.

The test results?

Negative.

Following up from the last post, the doctor gave me 5 days hospitalisation leave telling me to relax and go shopping.

I spent the first 3 days last week working my ass off anyway. By day 4, I was DETERMINED not to work. So I went out and shopped hard over the weekend. And here's part of my loot.

Inside the Thomas Sabo shopping bag

So that was all last weekend. This weekend was back to work for me. While I enjoy window shopping and buying something nice occasionally, I seldom splurge on such amounts at one go.

4 days more to my pregnancy blood test. Well, if the embryo transfer didn't work this cycle, at least I got myself a nice new bag..?

I secretly named my 3rd and 4th embryos 'Caesar and Destiny'. But shh, don't tell hubby.

Who knew: Having to relax can be such a stressful affair!

After my womb lining measurement reached 8.1mm last Friday, I was scheduled for the embryo transfer to be done on Tuesday 26 May.

The whole apprehension and uncertainty is such an ordeal. In order for the implantation to work, I'm supposed to relax, be happy, and not feel stressed. Stress apparently causes the womb to contract. Hearing that totally stressed me out.

While I had been really hopeful with my previous transfer, and had felt really positive that it would work; I am now like a deer caught in headlights. I am so terrified of going through the depressive suicidal state again should this transfer fail.

This embryo implantation also comes smack in the middle of a major work project. But while I have to withdraw from it, I cannot not think about it.

So after pushing myself to finish as much work as I could on Monday night (morning? I stopped only at 2am), I got up all exhausted on Tuesday morning, and was embarrassingly late for 45 minutes. But that meant I didn't have to wait so long this time. During the first embryo transfer, I waited for close to 2 hours despite having an appointment. This time, I only waited for half an hour. Perks of being late.

Hubby and I were shuffled into a smaller room this time. It was so much less intimidating here. While the main operating theatre was a Cleanroom, this felt more like a dentist's room. Hubby and I didn't have to wear the elaborate gown here. In fact, the doctor didn't wear his gown either.

I almost became the first human to die from holding in a bursting bladder. After the nurse allowed me to sneak a leak, Dr. Chan arrived. He looked a little disapproving that my bladder was not as full as it should be, but it seemed full enough for the procedure. So after a really short chat with the doctor, the bunch of them started to fuss over my vagina. Dr Chan, Dr Liu, the nurse Grace and the embryologist busied themselves with putting the apparatus into me.

Halfway through, another doctor that hubby and I secretly nicknamed (in good nature!) the 'Zombie doctor' appeared out of nowhere and observed my vagina being invaded.

It was less painful this time. But I was mentally drained. Hubby forbade me from naming these 2 embryos (Caesar and Destiny); a 3-cell and a 4-cell. They're graded 2 and 3 respectively. Not the best. But I gotta relax and believe it'll work.

The doctor gave me 5 days hospitalisation leave this time so I can, you know, go shopping and relax.

Yes, the doctor ordered me to go shopping; I am officially prescribed with retail therapy.

So after bawling at the Goddess of Menstruation to hurry it up and give me closure from the negative pregnancy test, I received a big one. I was spared an extended uncertain wait for the period, but was rendered almost comatose for a couple of days by the excruciating cramps as Alice and Bach bled out.

On retrospect, my emotional meltdown the few days after the pregnancy test was probably a double whammy of the despair at the negative blood test and PMS on overdrive. I was wedged in a deep dark crevasse of depression as I struggled to carry out my work. I had insane images of myself leaping off the ledge of my apartment's yard. I saw myself running into oncoming cars for a messy end. I was a total wreck, and desperately looked for extreme methods to derail my tears in between work while hubby coped by pretending he didn't notice the emotional unstable zombie that I've temporarily turned into.

I wanted so badly for someone to reach out and save me. But I was so alone with the darkness inside me those few days. There was a moment when I stood in my kitchen in the middle of the night after wrecking sobs chased me out of bed. I stared into nothingness and my head pounded; screamed at me to just die. All was black and I was nowhere. Then, something soft and warm touched my right hand. My senses returned as I looked down at the huge pair of blue eyes looking up at me in concern, letting out a soft meow. The cat had climbed onto the stool beside me to rub her furry little head against my hand. She danced around me like a little ballerina anchor, tugging me back. After awhile, perhaps satisfied that I'm not reaching for the knife or something, she sashayed off.

When I finally went back to bed, she hopped up and snuggled in at my feet.

Sanity washed over me only after I started to bleed the next day.

Times like this where I become a completely helpless emotional slave to my hormones, I really hate being the woman. I never want to experience that again.

And now, I'm in the interim before the next Thaw Cycle. After the intense hormonal meltdown last week, the progynova I'm taking now can hardly do any mischief to my mood.

The next womb lining measurement is tomorrow. Our last 2 embryos from the previous harvest waits...

Moral of the story: Cats are awesome. Or maybe mine just wanted food that night.

Black Widow: A victim of Reverse-Sexism imposed by the crazy feminists.

Marvel's Avengers: Age Of Ultron. I watched that movie on Day 10 of my 2 weeks wait after the embryo transfer of my IVF cycle. The movie was entertaining, much better than the first Avengers movie; but still laced with lots of cheesy cringe-worthy dialogue. To me, it was just another testosterone-heavy Hollywood block buster. Thank goodness for Black Widow kicking ass on God-level even though she's just a mere mortal assassin.

Fast forward a week. I went for the pregnancy blood test crossing my fingers for the embryo transfer to have worked. It was negative and my world came crashing down. Again.

Still reeling from the frustration and emotional exhaustion and not quite having come to terms that I needed to do the IVF cycle again, I wander aimlessly on the internet and stumbled upon a rabid nest of militant feminists who are RAGING because Black Widow in the Age Of Ultron movie is sad that she can't have kids.

While I was puzzling over logical fallacies when watching the movie (that table could handle the weight of Thor's hammer. Is it worthy?), some other women were furious over Black Widow embracing her gender's baggage.

Reading all the hate from these awful feminists made me cry all over again. What is their problem? Why are they trivialising a woman's inability to conceive? These are self-righteous women who have never had to fight infertility while wanting kids with the man they love. Let me say this: Women who have NOT personally experienced infertility first hand have NO IDEA what kind of hell this is.

And no, first hand is not hearing all about it from 'my sister', 'my cousin', or 'my colleague's sister's best friend's classmate'. First hand is YOU having to face the dark chasm alone. All alone. If you have never worn this pair of shoes, you have no right to assume a breezy self-righteous attitude towards another woman's infertility.

For the record, I think it's lame that the Final Test in the Red Room to being an assassin is to get sterilised. But if we're going to work with that premise, then yes; As someone fighting infertility right now, I find it entirely plausible for a female mortal character; whether or not she's a kickass assassin / spy whatsoever; to get emotional over a barren womb while facing the man she loves and wants to run away with. It makes the character a believable human being and not the plastic action figure that the militant feminists so desperately want.

Also, why did nobody carve out a slice of beef when the Hulk said essentially the exact same thing as Black Widow? If I remember correctly, he said something like "I can't ever have kids! Do the math!" in an equally frustrated way.

So it's ok when a man is sad about infertility but not ok when it's a woman who bemoans it? So I can't want a baby very much more than a man because I'm in an age where men and women NEED to enjoy emotional equality even though our hormonal construct is so very different?

What is this, some kind of 'Reverse-Sexism'??

For example, there's this self-proclaimed disappointed feminist fan of Joss Whedon, Sara Stewart who tried to be passive but in between the lines sounded like a desperate girl who just wants her lady balls stroked.

"..OK, but either of those characters (Jane Foster and Pepper Potts) would really have upped the quotient of substantive females onscreen in this nearly two-and-a-half-hour sausage-fest. Seriously, you couldn't get Gwyneth or Natalie for a couple days?"

Seriously, if you want girl power, go watch another movie. Like Hunger Games. Or Divergent. Or one of those female empowerment movies that's so popular nowadays. If you're subscribing to the Marvel franchise, then KNOW before you go that you're signing up for a sausage fest, and quit bitching about it.


Firstly, what in heaven's name is wrong with a woman being pregnant?? Why are some feminists so uncomfortable with the fact that we are the birthing gender that they reject ALL sorts of pregnant imagery and birthing references on the big screen? That's Reverse-Sexism right there!

The introduction of Hawkeye's preggie wife was obviously the lead-up to the conversation between Hulk and Black Widow. A contrast of their desired 'normal' family life as opposed to the cursed one that the superheroes have to live with; the unwanted weight of the world on their shoulders and the moral inability to 'run away' and settle down.

The housewife beef I can relate to. The man brings home the bread; the woman cooks and takes care of the kids. Yeah, I have a problem with that gender role stereotype which I despise too.

But here's the reality: I know lots of housewives; who prefer to call themselves Stay-At-Home-Moms, or SAHM for short; who would be seriously offended that the SAHM life they chose for themselves is viewed as 'reductive gender shit'. I'd so love to throw Sara and a couple of my more vocal SAHM friends into the same ring and watch them claw it out (wonder what kind of dark fate would've befallen me if I'm a man who says this).

More whining from Sara: "And Claudia Kim plays Dr. Helen Cho, who can apparently do brilliant things with genetics but mostly just gets mind-warped by the villainous Ultron and, later, beaten up by him."

Now look here, EVERYBODY got mind-warped in the movie by Scarlet witch, but Sara only complained about Helen Cho. Why? Because the one who did the mind-warping was the guy? May I remind that the primary arc in the first Avengers movie was Hawkeye getting major mind-warped by Loki. A man who got mind-warped by another man. Why don't somebody go pick on that. And Ultron was beating up every other living thing that pisses him off in his path without prejudice. But for some reason, Sara only saw Helen The Woman.


When I call myself a feminist, I fancy myself someone who believes in reasonable equal social rights between the gender.

Reasonable here means within our gender's different physical and hormonal limit.

For most of my adult life, I struggle against unreasonable cultural expectations and oppression of my gender. The last thing I need is this crazy feminists' brand of 'Reverse-Sexism' thing taking off.

So it's been 4 days since I was doused with the bucket of cold "You are not pregnant at all". And the period is still not here.

I'm going nuts. Period's almost 2 weeks late, and there are no PMS symptoms at all. I trust the pregnancy blood test completely, but the glimmering spark of hopeful "What if the test was wrong" is getting brighter.

I wish the hospital had some kind of FAQ regarding this.
So I googled the odds. Lots of accounts of women with negative tests months into their pregnancies. My light of hope burnt brighter. But then, I streamlined the search to just the IVF ones. It seems the progesterone delays the period. Some women had delayed periods of up to 3 weeks after a failed cycle, attributed to the progesterone.

I'm laughing and crying at the same time. Oh what have I done to deserve this?! I kept recalling the day of the fresh transfer that didn't happen, and remember how confident the doctor was that the fresh embryos would have worked. But we couldn't do the fresh cycle because I was assaulted with OHSS.

And now after all the trauma, I have to wait weeks to get closure from this cycle in the form of my usual incapacitating period that I hate so much. Why am I being punished for being the woman?
And what if the test was wrong? What if it had all worked after all?

I feel so lonely in this chasm of delirium. Somebody please save me.

I wish I was a cat instead.

Not. Fair.

Charlotte was the number 2 name on our baby girl name list if we ever get a girl. I liked the old world charm of the timeless-sounding name; albeit a bit too country.

But now, thanks to some royalty a couple of continents away, we gotta strike Charlotte out. Why? Because the planet is going to suddenly get an overpopulation of Charlottes. And I'm not going to have people think I named my kid after some former colonial master's princess.

When news of Prince William and Kate Middleton's baby girl first popped out and the bookmakers were guessing Diana, Charlotte, Elizabeth, Victoria, whatever.. I was going please please please don't choose Charlotte.

And they had to go choose Charlotte.

In fact, to make sure that nobody loses any money, they swept the entire combo meal: 'Charlotte Elizabeth Diana'. And for some reason, that part of the world is just weeping over aww how beautiful a tribute that name is. Nobody's bothered about poor Victoria who got left out of the party. Although I don't understand why they couldn't have just added Victoria to the collection while they were at it. "Charlotte Elizabeth Diana Victoria Etc."

Speaking of which, do the British Royalty have a family name? I must have missed it for the past 30 years.

Anyway, Charlotte's not even an English name to begin with! The root of the name 'Charlotte' is French! What business do the British have choosing a French name for their baby! I thought they weren't exactly BFFs or anything.

Ok, so we're not French either. But we're not royalty. Like say, if I'm Chinese royalty, I'm certainly not going to choose a name rooted in Japanese culture for my royal kid. Just saying.

Bah. Whatever. Let me get bumped up first.

After the unhinging 2 weeks wait, today is finally the day for the pregnancy blood test. Woke up really early and went down to the clinic in full anticipation. The blood test cost me $40.99.

$40.99 for a pregnancy test!! Daylight robbery, I say. Peeing into a pregnancy test stick would have just cost around $5! I wonder how much pregnancy tests cost in other countries...

So they took a vial of my blood and promised to call me with the results within 3 hours.

I spent the next few hours tapping my feet impatiently and working at the same time. The call finally came.

"I'm sorry to tell you the results are negative. You are not pregnant at all."

Deadpan, she proceeded to tell me about the next doctor's appointment in a month's time.

After the phone call, I impassively finished up the paperwork I was doing before the call came, sent the emails I was supposed to send, and retreated inconspicuously to my room and bawled under the pillow. (I work in a SOHO, I can do that; I don't have to hide in the toilet.)

I took 45 minutes to calm myself down as the movie reel of the past few months played itself out in my head. Oh the lucrin injections; the painful transvaginal ultrasounds; the hormonal sandstorm; the excruciating OHSS; the hospital stay; the harrowing transfer, the medicine medicine medicine; the crazy insane anticipation. And after all that; Nothing.

I didn't buzz anyone right away. I don't need "It's ok, try again". It's not ok. I need a little more empathy, which no one is capable of giving me, because I am alone in this. No one understands the trauma of going through IVF. It's constantly in my head; a parasite that eats my brain. My bio-clock mocks me cruelly.

What went wrong?

I was unappeased. I whipped out the pregnancy test kit I bought a while ago and peed into it just to see what it says.

Negative.

I all but hurled it into the bin.

Lunch time. I made my first cup of coffee in more than a week.

Tonight, I shall have beer. Tomorrow, I shall go shopping.

For now, back to work. (Damn, I gotta stop tearing)

Goodbye, Alice and Bach.

(The Two Weeks Wait Trilogy summarises how I spent the hellish 2 weeks Post Embryo Transfer.)

Day 13 (29 Apr, Wed)
Had a nightmare that period did come last night. My period dreams have always come true within the next 2 days so I'm frantic now. Received the SMS reminder that the blood test is next Monday, as if it's not constantly on my mind.

Otherwise exhausted from work.


Day 14 (30 Apr, Thu)
Officially 2 weeks. So darn tired from all the work..


Day 15 (01 May, Fri)
Labour Day and cousin's wedding. Woke up too early for the tea ceremony. Meeting in afternoon. Napped for an hour. Wedding banquet afterwards. No time to worry too much about about the blood test until back at home typing this.



Day 16 (02 May, Sat)
Fighting the irresistible urge to pluck out the pregnancy test kit. Only thing stopping me is fact that my pee is filled with curdled progesterone. How accurate would all that hormonally pumped pee be?

(The Two Weeks Wait Trilogy summarises how I spent the hellish 2 weeks Post Embryo Transfer; 6 days at a time.)

Day 7 (23 Apr, Thu)
Woke up feeling like a hyper little kid. Wanted to sing and dance lots. Took a much slower pace after yesterday afternoon's unraveling.

Almost missed the progesterone inserts again today though but made it thanks to the alarm.


Day 8 (24 Apr, Fri)
Exactly 1 week since Alice and Bach were transferred over. Hope they're still in there and find my womb agreeable.


Day 9 (25 Apr, Sat)
Woke up to very light brown discharge. Conflicting info on early pregnancy symptoms online... All alleged symptoms are exactly the same as period symptoms.

Had steamboat.


Day 10 (26 Apr, Sun)
Watched 'Avengers: Age Of Ultron'.

Fantasized baby names with hubby. Had ramen.


Day 11 (27 Apr, Mon)
Paranoid all day if the period's going to come soon.


Day 12 (28 Apr, Tue)
REALLY paranoid about the period coming... Met up with my bestie who is 6 months pregnant. Learned a lot of preggie stuff from her. Sounds.. un-fun. Hope I have a chance to find out personally how un-fun exactly it is.


(Photo source: Google)

Oh everybody knows how it's like. The moment you don the wedding gown and thereafter, The Question gets fired at you endlessly, especially from relatives who have no imagination for conversation starters.


"When are you planning to have a baby?"

"Your parents are getting old, you should get a baby soon"

"Why are you waiting? You should have a kid!"

"Look at (insert cousin's name) and (some other name). They're having their 2nd kid. When's your turn!"

"You've already been married for 2 years, when's the kid coming along?"

"Kids are awesome! When are you having one too!"

"You're not young anymore, you should have a baby soon"


Over the years, every single time The Question is tuned my way, I impress myself with a display of dazzling self-restraint not to fire back an equally rude salvo. ("When are you planning to lose weight? You look like a hippo." / "Fine. Lend us your room. We'll make one right now.")

Only our parents are qualified to ask The Question. ("If you're not the one who participated in the act of birthing me, please go bother your own kids.")

And don't even get me started on why is the female usually the one on the receiving end of these questions.

Sometimes I wonder if they deliberately aim to annoy or are just downright insensitive. There is no such thing as 'well meaning' to The Question, just pure nosiness. And there are lots of reasons why people do not have kids.

1. They may be enjoying their couple-hood now and maybe plan for kids in the future. (Like we were)

2. They may be facing infertility issues; in which case, the only thing that intrusive question brings is misery. (Like we are now)

3. They may not even like kids at all! (Like Hubby used to)


So if you are one of those nosy aunts (and uncles!) or giddy new parents who thinks you're being 'well-meaning', this is a guide for you:

Basic Guide to not be an A-hole to the childless people around you:

When you have a new baby,

You don't get some kind of default entitlement to say: "So when's your turn?" to every other childless married friend that comes along to congratulate you. Chances are your friends won't rejoice as sincerely with you the next time you get knocked up.

When you're stuck in an awkward family dinner,

The best conversation starter is NOT "So when are you having a baby?"
If you feel an irresistible urge to break some deafening silence, please talk about the weather instead of inquiring about breeding programs.

When you get hit with a wave of verbal diarrhoea on how awesome your kid is,

Please turn around and talk to the wall instead. If they didn't ask, that means NO ONE is interested in hearing you brag about how smart junior is. Look closer and you'll see that their polite smiles are cracking with boredom.

When you feel like it is your responsibility to educate the world on why they should have kids:

The world don't give a rat's hiney what you think. Please go away.

Image source: stoven2005

The notoriously mentally challenging post embryo transfer 2 weeks wait is actually 18 days for me. The Two Weeks Wait Trilogy summarises how I spent these 2 weeks; 6 days at a time.

Day 1 (17 Apr, Fri)
Exhausted after the procedure. Slept plenty. Developed a cough but too scared to take medicine thanks to all the dubious online articles I read from unqualified sources.


Day 2 (18 Apr, Sat)
Still tired. Cough morphing into flu.

Advised to do light activities so went shopping. Bought another Thomas Sabo karma bead for my 'Forest Tea Party' charm bracelet as a milestone / good luck charm for the embryo transfer.


Day 3 (19 Apr, Sun)
Slightly feverish from the flu. Trying hard not to worry about whether this will affect the embryos.


Day 4 (20 Apr, Mon)
Back to work. Putting on weight already, or is that just in my head?


Day 5 (21 Apr, Tue)
Work piled up. Full day of contract negotiations, handling recruitment work and interviewed for a documentary till almost 12am.

Not only did I miss dinner, I missed the afternoon progesterone inserts! And I was only able to do the night inserts at 1am; 16 hours after the last dosage (supposed to be 6-8 hours apart)!

I am such an idiot. Please hang in there, Alice and Bach!


Day 6 (22 Apr, Wed)
Fatigue from the previous day spilled over.

Had literal nightmares all night on rushing my progesterone dosage over and over again. Woke up drained but determined not to miss the inserts again. Work took over almost immediately and it wasn't until 10:30am that I realised I hadn't had the progesterone yet!!

Exhausted, felt weak, and starting to unravel. Got very emotional at one point in the afternoon, but still rational enough to know I'm being irrational.

Successfully pinned all blame at the hormones and pieced myself back together by end of the day...

How many embryos should we transfer? That was the question that plagued us from the beginning of our IVF journey.

I'm 32 this year. Here where I live (Singapore), the legal maximum embryo transfer for my age group is 2. But the doctors vehemently encourage single embryo transfer to 'minimize risks of multiple births'.

Now that's the part where we were confused about. We were total noobs and had no idea what was wrong with multiple births. My cousin who went through IVF delivered a healthy set of triplets. So why the fuss?

I have never had any aversion to twins. In fact, I wanted 2 kids and having twins would mean I never have to go through with the IVF nightmare again! Also, there are numerous studies done which shows that the younger child typically inherits less of the mother's body resources due to the stress that comes with every pregnancy and childbirth. Following that line of thought, it's only right to assume that the mother's resources will be split evenly for twins. So like twins are the way to go, right?

That is, until Dr Jerry Chan impressed us on the risks of multiple births. He was appalled that we wanted twins. Multiple births apparently had a whole salad bowl of increased risks which includes:

- Gestational diabetes
- Premature birth
- Low birth weight
- Pre-eclampsia
- Cerebral Palsy etc.

Woah. That sounds really scary. All I want are for my babies to be healthy. So hubby decided that we should do the responsible thing and only transfer 1 embryo. But even so, never mind not having twins; what if that single embryo do not make it? Each procedure costs 5 digit, and each time is a nightmare. And when I see all the photos of heathy twins behind the doctor's desk, I feel all brave again.

On the days leading up to the Fresh Embryo Transfer, the choice was difficult to make. 1 or 2 embryos?

On the day of the scheduled Fresh Transfer, I was still undecided. But then, OHSS kicked in, and the right to make the decision was wrenched out of our hands. My body did not allow me to go through with the transfer. 4 embryos were freezed and the 'prettier looking' 4 embryos went through blastocyst. 3 days later, the blastocyst embryos all failed to survive.

I now only had 4 little embryos left, sleeping in a -250 degree celcius box.

And so, for the Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET), the doctor's default recommendation was 2 embryos. I didn't have 2 pretty looking embryos with an "almost confirmed chance" of maturing into twins anymore. The pretty ones didn't make it after being 'blasted'.

It felt like some kind of poetic destiny or something. Some things are just not meant to be option.

I just did the FET last Friday with the 2 embryos I've nicknamed 'Alice and Bach' (the remaining 2 sleeping ones are Caeser and Destiny), and am now into the 3rd day of the the 2-weeks wait. I see the possibility that I may go mad with the anticipation by the end of the first week, never mind survive the 2 weeks with a sane head.

Will both embryos survive or will even one make it at all??

Share with me, would you want twins after knowing all the risks involved?

Here are some IVF Tips that I wish I had on how to cope before I started the IVF party. For anyone who has not gone through this before and is about to embark on their journey!


1. Keep your body strong and healthy

Once the IVF procedure starts, you may or may not be disposed enough to do real exercises. So try to keep your body constitution good and immunity high by doing regular exercises in the lead up to your IVF procedure. Falling sick while pumping your body with hormonal drugs can be a real bitch. I unfortunately went down with food poisoning in the middle of my IVF, and it was not fun.

So take responsibility for your body and ensure your body is in tip top condition as best as you can.

Tips include:
- Avoid a sore throat and bad cough by taking it easy with fried food and cold drinks
- Avoid a cold or flu by not exposing yourself to wet weather or sudden extreme temperature changes

2. Anticipate a hormonal sandstorm of side effects 

This highly depends on the individual's body constitution. What you and especially your partner need to anticipate is the possibility of you turning into a werewolf like you do during PMS. The people around you must understand in advance that if you descend into a moody snappy abyss, it's the hormones talking, not you.

Then there are the bodily discomforts. What I went through included slight feverish feelings, random nausea spells, heat flushes, headaches, and an assortment of other hormonal cocktail. I didn't know about the side effects beforehand and seriously thought I was falling sick. I've heard that weight gain is normal. Luckily for me, I didn't gain more than a couple of 100grams.


3. Set an alarm for your injections, and portion your medication in pill cases in advance

If you're even half the scatterbrain like me, you should become best friends with the alarm on your calendar. I did after I almost missed a couple of Lucrin injections. Also, the medication will become so routine that you will forget if you had it already. So it really helps to portion your pills beforehand. If necessary, you can even label the date/time to ingest them.

My 'chocolate' pill case

4. Anticipate a haphazard schedule of visits to the hospital

This means do your holidaying BEFORE you start the IVF procedure. Or other stuff like renovation plans and so on. Keep your schedule absolutely free and on the beck and call of the hospital.


5. Keep your environment clean, calm and soothing

6. Pamper yourself silly

Oohh, eat all that chocolate while you can!! Forgive yourself for going on a shopping spree. Just think twice before buying that skimpy dress. For once, you are hoping you won't be able to fit in that in a few months' time.

One of the doodads I splurged on was a Thomas Sabo Karma Bracelet that I had been eyeing on for a while but had no reason to buy it without feeling guilty about spending the money. So I managed to convince myself that buying that will release euphoric endorphins that will combat the hormonal sandstorm caused by the Lucrin. It totally worked.

Guilt-free shopping rocks!

Oh and get a massage! After you're pregnant, you'll read so many unscientific literature on why you can't get a massage that you'll be too damned scared to get one. So now is a good time to get a nice soothing rub.

Said doodad: Thomas Sabo Karma bracelet with Tree of Life and Rose Quartz charm

7. Work from home
Changing my operations to be home-based is one of the best decisions I made 2 years ago. It helps when I need to take sudden breaks from the side effects, or when it is time for the injections. Lucrin and Menopur needs to be chilled constantly so it's a relief to not have to ferry them around in ice bags all the time.

Whenever I think of all the women who has to work in the office while going through IVF, I really have to take my metaphorical hat off them. See if you can negotiate with your boss for a temporary work from home arrangement if you can.



8. Brief hiatus from pregnant friends and proud mommies

The hormonal sandstorm can be exhausting, and at the back of your mind, the fear that everything won't work out is very real. It's stressful enough to have to wade through the 1001 baby pictures with gushing captions that your friends upload onto Facebook. It can be a bigger challenge to your sanity when your new-mommy friends proudly brag about how smart their juniors are (they can't restrain themselves, they tried), or when your pregnant friends talk about their exciting preparations to welcome their babies. And even if you won't admit it, you really are envious to death at your friends who can breed by virtue of humping like rabbits.

I'm definitely not saying to stay away from them. I love my friends! But just for these few weeks, at least until your embryo transfer is complete, maybe reserve the days as quality time to bond with your partner instead.


9. In case of OHSS... 

OHSS (Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome) is relatively rare so don't lose sleep worrying about whether you'll get it if it hasn't happened to you.

But if you really do strike OHSS lottery like me, there is no known medication for OHSS but the doctors will give you hormone drugs to calm the hormonal storm in your body. It will go away on its own eventually so try your best to put up with the crippling pain for now. You are not alone, and it will be over soon! I promise!

(My OHSS Ordeal is documented here)


10. Stay positive and happy

And finally, positivity and staying happy is the key!

Here's a cute picture of a kitten to make you smile. Good luck to you!